You know, I wish I knew better than to feel depressed about myself. I’d like to think that I make some people happy, but then sometimes I feel it’d be better If I just go away. The worst part about feeling depressed is that It makes me feel even more guilty about myself when feeling guilty is the reason that I’m feeling this way. So that tells me that depression is a reaction to me already feeling guilty about something. The guiltiness stems from uncertainty in my actions. What that thing I said hurt someone but I didn’t realize it? But they knew I was just kidding around, right?
Despising myself isn’t a solution, but somehow makes me feel better for a moment — but not in a beneficial sense. It has never helped me move forward towards my life aspirations. And it’s so hard for me to tell anyone about it. If I do, maybe they’ll feel sympathy for me. But they never really understand it unless they too have felt these feelings. Maybe I’m just a teenager filled with angst, but I feel isolated in my situation nonetheless.
Not that I have a lot of people listening, but this is more of a way for me to vent my feelings because I would almost never share my dark secrets in person. It makes me feel too vulnerable, or feel that I am leeching someone else’s happiness by dumping my negative feelings on them. And so, it multiplies in me until I have let it all out.
And like I said, “hating” myself never helped me achieve anything. It’s always been a big fat roadblock that only makes my search for personal meaning even more challenging. If I can’t clear the roadblock then I have to find another route..one that is potentially more rough.
Feeling bad about myself is like an addiction. I don’t enjoy the after effects, but it somehow makes me feel more powerful. It gives me a false sense of control over myself when I am far from being in control of myself. And that just causes even more complications.
If one can take anything useful from this, please hear me out: quit feeding your negative thoughts. The stupid things that you did or said should not be the highlight of your thoughts, nor should the stupid things that people did or said to you. If the situation that you’re in might be causing it, depression is a symptom of it. But I can promise you that feeding depression with negative thoughts will only make it harder to get out of.
Depression can be be likened to a physical illness, but it is more of a state of mind partly caused by physical factors. I’m not saying it’s easy to get rid of. Some real-life problems might stay with you for a long time, but you are able to control your reaction to them.
Negative thoughts are cold and heartless, just like some of the realities of the world. And there is truth to the fact that the world has many negative events occurring, but in the same way, letting negative thoughts take over won’t solve directly solve the issues. If you just sit there and watch the problems, they will grow exponentially.
The only way I have ever been able to move forward is to first be more compassionate to myself, and then to others. If I can’t be understanding of myself, then how will I ever understand others’ situations? How will I be able to see through their eyes and empathize with their experiences? If I refuse to be compassionate to myself, then I am unwilling to work on problems in my life. And the problems often get worse if not properly treated. If one didn’t take care of his/her teeth ever, the problem of tooth decay would likely become much worse. That’s what negative thoughts do. They rot your mind.
Please just be more positive…even if it seems pointless or impossible. Even if you feel you are lying to yourself. This is from my personal experience. You can think what you want about it, but never have negative thoughts assisted me in any way except possibly in realizing that I need to change certain things in my life. That’s all they should be there for.
Humans need some sort of faith in live…It’s a survival mechanism — even just faith in living one more day.